Journey to Home...!!!

Back from home, with lot of memories... some may stay for a life time, though some may fade away, it doesnt matter, coz this journey was special for it was not just a visit to home, it was something more than that.

I had my best friends' wedding to attend. There is lot of joy and happiness to see ur best pal getting married (She was looking at her best..!!! TOUCHWOOD) and entering to a new life, and there little sadness and pain that there are more important things coming in her life than this friendship, though we will be same always. But yes! like one of good friend told, its all part of life..... its time to Move On...

I always used to wonder "Moving On" was not so simple as said, infact sometimes it needed us to change our self in fear of hurting ourselves.Though i have heard that time does heal things, i have realised many times that, it doesnt really heal, we just keep these things in our inner memory when we have more important things to worry about, and it does hurt the same way, when we think about it, even if its after years. Specially death of our dear and near ones, i do see my mom crying everytime she talks about my granny who died 10 yrs ago.

This time i was more than happy to see my grandpa. I was seeing him after longgg 2yrs. Ageing couldnt really change him as a person, but he was looking tired, like a shadow of what he actually was. But that strong voice remained there like ever, in that weak body. I could read from his face that he was relaxed to see me, may be he thought i wont come, dnt know.
We talked as usual, about my job, my place, my friends, everything that connected me to the world. He wanted to talk a lot, but then his health didnt allow,he was happy to see me, and i was happy to see him.

Life teaches us things in its most unusual way, sometimes we do ignore and sometimes it doesnt really give a chance to ignore. But all that really matters is that you finally learned the lesson.

This time it was more than seeing your dear ones and staying at home, it actually give me a chance to think, about many things, and to decide which path i should take...given me a chance to know myself more..

Random Thoughts....!!!!!

Hey, You are changing...!!! I wondered from which side, but then i couldnt stop thinking about what my cousin told. He knows me for a long time, so when he telling this, i am sure there is something that made him say that. I dont want to change, i am not telling that i am that "perfect 10 " kind of person, but then i love the way i am, that i dont want to change anything, just stay like this untill I feel 'its time to change'.

These days i think i am enjoying being myself so much that i get bored when i am with others. Not that they are boring people, infact my friends are the best things ever happened to me, but then attimes everyone need some space, just to think about whats happening in their life.I do think a lot these days about what i really want in life, i cant tell that i want to b more career oriented, coz i think already many people are telling me (that i am a workaholic..!!!) to think about things other than my career.

I am going home in March, after a long long time, there is a great deal of excitement, but then cant really tell that i am happy, the only thing i am excited is that i can stay at home and meet my parents and grandpa. My best friend's wedding is also coming near. But at the same time there is this odd feeling , dont know exactly what, which scares me.

I am thinking about starting my photgraphy lessons again, not that i am a great one, but i guess i was not bad. May b a nikon cam can work wonders with me (or the other way around), though for the time being i have to be happy with my Olymbus one.

Well Valentines Day is coming near, this time i dont know with whom i will celebrate as all my friends are committed now, and they are thinking about something quite. Well i wont b really 'Celebrating', will explore the city alone sipping a cup of coffee. My best friend 'M' expected that atleast this year i will not be alone, Sorry dear, u will be dissappointed this year also. Good things can wait for some more time...........!!!
Well i am getting more attached to Some People than i thought, i guess i need to start keeping some distance, dont have a clue HOW, but i guess thats better. But then at the end i will get hurt coz these days i am so habituated with them.

That Tamarind Tree in My Home Backyard...

..finally fall..! well not really a great thing to tell, but then its not just a simple thing to forget just like that. I have spend some of my best days there, hanging around playing hide and seek, sitting in its shades, thinking about all those things i want to do when i become BIG (nw i really wish if i were not), looking at sky at the sight of aeroplane, till it fades away, having tamarind with salt, and laughing at its bitter taste,and at times sleeping there itself in its shades, if noone find me. I always thought it as a giant tree that will never fall, i thought it will stay for another 100 yrs like those gigantic trees described in stories.

But then one day its day also come, giving a huge space of its absence. I dont know why i am telling this here, there is a feeling like, you lost something which you had known for a long time. Like you lost someone who could write a book on your entire childhood.Life is also like that, we meet so many faces, sometimes becoming a part of our life and then one day it just go away, as if it was never important, making us realise their value only in their absence.

I do miss my childhood at times, mostly bcoz of the freedom i had and for all those adventures i had as a child. I never thought twice before telling or doing something. But now i have to plan myself, life was so easy.... think again..!!!

My Prayer for You....!!!

Am i late, i hope not, but then i dont always get lucky to do the things i really want to do. I hope i am not getting selfish, that i forgot to do the things i need to do. My grandpa called me today, i was talking to him after pretty long time. I know he called me for no particular reason, but just to hear my voice, but then in the middle i could feel it, that he is getting emotional, even i was feeling like going to my hometown and meet him. God, its going to be such a long time since we last see each other. I know he is getting very old, my father told me once that he is having problem in walking, but then i dont know how i will react to it, when i meet him, for he was always my strong man.


I was more attached to my grandpa, may be bcoz, he was the one who was there all the time during my childhood days. Being a teacher, he was strict, his kids were always scared of him, i never heard anyone talking in a loud voice in front of him. My case was different, i always saw the other side of his life, as a loving & caring grandpa, he was more like a friend who played with me, told short stories and poems, taught me those sanskrit chants and verses which others thought tough. When i went for my higher studies, he didnt get emotional, he was sure that i will be there for onam and vishu and waited for me with new dresses for me. I always tried to make sure i was there, but then i guess i broke that also.I know he may be hurt, but he may not show . He never really showed his emotional part, may be thats why my father is also that way. But then i saw tears in his eyes once, just once, when grandma left him. But everyone was too busy controlling their emotions that noone really noticed it.



Whenever i went to my tharavadu to see my grandpa, there was always a visitor, sometimes his students, his old collegues, relatives, people who wanted to get a piece of advise from him. He was always curious to know about whats happening in my life, how my studies are going etc.There was his magnificent personality which i always admired, i always looked at him, just the way my father did, coz we knew we didnt need any other role mode. When i go home, i used to make sure that i will go to my grandpa's house also. But then many times i was not able to, and it end up as mere phone calls. Many a times i felt that its not just any call, it was like he was waiting for those calls, eager to hear my voice, happy to know about all the good things happening in my life. He was curious to hear about the places i visited, the friends that i made.
When we finish talking, he used to remind me, "dont forget to call me", and i always used to assure him that i will call him again, but then that assurence in words didnt always get into actions.



Its going to be more than 2yrs since i saw him last, i always wanted to go and meet him, but never really get those holidays. In between lot of things happened, i got my job and got more busier than i expected, changing places became an ordinary thing that , it didnt amuse me anymore. Graudually the calls reduced to those made on onam and vishu, still he reminded me "dont forget to call me".But i forgot, and today he gave a call to remind me, that he is still there expecting my calls, wanting to hear my voice, my stories, my problems, my success, everything. His voice was not smooth as usual, it was shaking at times, he repeated his words again and again. Emotions were flowing, i think at one point he cried, bcoz none of his grand children were nearby, well even i was not nearby.


I promised him that i will be coming to see him before vishu. But he was doubtful, he just told me he is weak, but i understood what he exactly meant. I never heard him saying that before, i wanted to cry, bcoz, i dont want him to be that way, i dont want to think that he is getting old. This time when i go home, i want to meet my grandpa, its not bcoz of the promise that i made, but its bcoz, i know someone is eagerly waiting , looking outside, my tharavadu, seeing whether any car is coming that way, with those familier faces of his grand children in memory. And i dont want to dissappoint him. Its not just a hope, its a prayer i am having, i hope i wont be late....

Things I want to do before I Die..

I was watching Dusvidaniya on the other day. It was a different movie someway, it touched for its simplicity and the most interesting thing i saw was that the guy died peacefully without making much fuss and he died a happy man, doing what ever things he wanted to do in life. So when i was talking to my friend M about this movie, she throw me the question "what are those 10 things you want to do before you die?". Being a person, taking my life the way it comes, i was quite unplanned to answer it, and my goody goody friends were ready with their 10s.

So i had to think and think again, wt are the 10 most important things i want to do. Till now i hadnt thought abt anything other than my job, so again thinking abt other things made me quite mad untill i finally noted down, those 10 things.

Here it goes :

1. Take my parents to a foreign trip to Netherlands (it happens to be my favourite place)
2. To write a book. (Infact i am on process for the last some time, god knws when it will finish, the pace its going now, i think it will take another 15-20yrs)
3. To gift my brother a BMW. (I dont know WHYYYY, this car, bt he simply loves it SO!)
4. To perform dance in Khajuraho ( I stopped dancing 5yrs back, bt still cherishes to start it again some day, i know its a long way to go, bt then its MY small wish)
5. To visit an old friend of mine who happen to be my close friend (once). (I should forgive ppl for their mistakes, coz even i do mistakes......... i really doubt whether i will do this thing, currently i am not planning actually, bt then someday i hav to)
6. Build my dream riverside house, specifically in habitat model (I knw, this is bit far too beyond my current capacity, bt i hav started saving a bit for that)
7. Stay at my home atleast one month. (Well its been a long time since i have gone home, moreover i never got a chance to stay in my house for more than a week for the last 3-4 yrs, pretty attached)
8. Talk openly about me. (This never happened before, for i keep my small things to myself, well some day i would like to share it, now my otherside is totally unknown to the world,may b if i get a good listner)
9. Tell someone that i really like you or more than that. (This needs bit guts,and ofcourse i hasnt found 'the one' yet and the way things are going now, i think i will die mostly without telling those words)
10. Finally to die seeing the people i love who are close to my heart, without hurting them and without hurting me.

Whooooooooooop.....!!!!!! finally i did it. I know those 10 things are not so great, bt then its close to my heart, coz i took hell lot of time to decide those.

C'mon i am not going to die now, so whn that time comes, i thought i will decide. Well now as i hav decided things already, i guess i can start figuring out how to do it. So wt u wanna do???? :)